The Obsessive Ex

Many years ago I had an alcoholic boyfriend who just didn't want to 'let go' after I broke up with him.  If it wasn't a barrage of telephone calls threatening suicide if I didn't go back with him, it was the stalking.  It was like wherever I went, there he was.  I was quite the risk-taker back then, young and fool-hearted, and he didn't scare me.  I thought nothing of approaching his car and ordering him to leave me alone.  Today, I know better.  Today I know that an obsessive ex can be more than just annoying; today I realize that he can be downright dangerous.  Some people are totally unable to  let go of a partner after a break, and their stalking, calling, harassing, and sometimes even threatening can take quite an emotional toll on the victim. 

A balanced person will eventually realize that the  relationship is indeed over and move on.    An obsessive ex does not see a break-up the same way and will not accept that the relationship is over.   In his view, that is not her decision to make.  He may just think the argument is a little more serious than others, after it is over,  the partner will take them back. One word stalkers cannot seem to comprehend is the word No.  After all, it is totally unthinkable that their partner may not want them. Rejection is not even in their vocabulary.  To them it is maybe and no matter what you do to get rid of them they will see things differently. They often believe their ex loves them even when they do not. This delusional thinking makes it so hard for a victim to get the point across.

They will work as hard as they can to get back the person of their dreams...you.  Next comes the pleading and the romantic gestures which are often looked upon with pity, and it is not uncommon for family and friends to encourage the person who has ended the relationship to take the ex back.  Stalkers have a knack for bending the truth.  My mom thought my ex was the greatest and that I was making a big mistake letting him go.  Of course, I also heard that I would never attract anything better. 

If you think your ex has turned stalker, stop all communication with  If others try to persuade you to see them,  tell them it is your decision to make, not theirs. Do not respond any of their texts emails or letters.  If you have been communicating on the Internet with them, stop  immediately.  Change your email address and any nickname you may have used. Set yourself up with a brand new identity.

If they do not stop hassling you go to the police or your local law enforcement agency.  Remember, there have been any number of tragic

cases where obsessive behaviour/stalking by ex-partners has led to violence – even rape or murder.  By taking your situation seriously and getting help, now you are taking steps to protect yourself and your family.

Quote of the Day

“One in three women may suffer from abuse and violence in her lifetime. This is an appalling human rights violation, yet it remains one of the invisible and under-recognized pandemics of our time.”  Violence against women is an appalling human rights violation. But it is not inevitable. We can put a stop to this.” – Nicole Kidman

Attracting What We Know

Dear readers, have you ever had something in mind that you wanted to write about; in fact, already have it written, and then something starts gnawing away at you, and you know it is something important that has to be written and shared....and as you begin to type, the words just start flowing?  This, my friends, is what happened to me this morning.  This is a post that HAD to be written.

The other day I read a comment where someone wondered if we attracted what we know, and my response would be an indisputable yes.  We are emotionally drawn to those people who feel familiar on our energetic level; i.e., those people who are on the same emotional vibrational level as we are.  We find ourselves drawn to them and they to us, and it feels as if we have a strong connection to them.  In other words, we are attracted to people whose emotional dynamic is similar to our early experiences of intimacy and love...and this is usually our parents.

“The healthy man does not torture others. Generally it is the tortured who turn into torturers.” – Carl Jung

Males grow up seeing Dad physically or emotionally abuse Mom and feel that this is all right; this is the way relationships are supposed to be.   Yes, they are wrong, and I am not making excuses for them, but this is all they know.  This is what they equate with love, and the cycle continues until one day, one brave little boy decides he doesn't want to be like Daddy, or the abuser confronts and takes responsibility for the verbal and physical abusive patterns of behavior and seeks outside help....and, sadly, that is rare.  All of the men who I have worked with all find a way to blame the wife.


This generational cycle also holds true for the victim.  A woman who has spent her life watching Dad abuse Mom develops unrealistic beliefs of what constitutes love.  Many women equate abuse with love...if he doesn't hit me, he doesn't love me.  In my case, I was never witness to abuse of any kind.  My parents HAD no relationship, each choosing to live together for the sake of the child, but living separate lives.  Mom was never around; she worked all day, came home, ate dinner and freshened up, and then she leave and spend the rest of the evening with her boyfriend.  My dad was an alcoholic, and all he cared about was having a six-pack in the refrigerator waiting for him when he got home....what you would call a dysfunctional family...


...and as a result, I grew up to become a dysfunctional adult.  I attracted what I knew...men who had problems--alcoholics, drug addicts, a sex addict, a gambling addict--and, when one is in the throes of addiction they can become quite violent.  It took me far too many years to realize that I may not have been abused as a child, but I had been wounded and focusing on men with issues kept me from looking into myself...so, in order to avoid going within, I kept drawing men on the same vibrational level into my life.  One relationship would no sooner break up than I would find myself in another.  I literally was drawing men into my life with a sickness like my father...

...and no matter how much I  was making a conscious  effort not pick anyone like my parents, my energy was attracting those  people into my life whose inner emotional dynamic is similar to my first experience of love.  Many of us spend our lives searching for our soul mates, but those of us who grew up with dysfunctional families,  had better watch out, for these may be exactly the people who will fit your patterns  and recreate your wounding...

...We get involved with people who are unavailable because WE are unavailable.  We continue to be attracted to people who feel familiar because on some level,  we are still trying to prove our worth by earning the love and respect of our unavailable parents.  We throw our lives into  rescuing the other person  because that will prove our worthwhen the truth is, we need them to rescue us because of our lack of self-worth.  It can become an endless cycle because the more we rely on dysfunctional people to prove our worth, the less worth we have for they drain it from us. 

Sadly, until we realize that it is not  possible to love someone enough to make someone to stop hating or being unavailable, we need to let go of the delusion that we can be someone's savior, and we need to take the focus off others and place it on healing our self...on understanding and healing the emotional wounds that have driven us to choose those who can never provide us what we want and need emotionally.  Taking time to develop develop some healthy emotional intimacy with ourselves is imperative before we will ever be capable of being available for a healthy relationships.

Every woman who thinks she is the only victim of violence has to know that there are many more.– Salma Hayek

Domestic Violence Quote

“Domestic violence does not only happen to adults. Forty percent of girls age 14 to 17 report knowing someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend, and approximately one in five female high school students reports being physically and/or sexually abused by a dating partner.”
– Dianne Feinstein

First Woman President Sworn Into Office in Brazil

From torture in a dictatorship-era jail cell to the helm of Latin America's largest nation, Dilma Roussett was sworn into office and became Brazil's first woman president.  She took her oat of office alongside Vice-President Michel Temer...becoming the country's 36th president, a nearly unthinkable feat a year ago.  In a country where women have typically played a limited  role in politics, the election of a woman to Brazil's highest office signals a major break from the past.

Following her historic win, Rousseff spoke passionately about her goals to eliminate poverty, improve education and public healthcare,  reduce homelessness, and promote gender equality, "I hope the fathers and mothers of little girls will look at them and say yes, women can."  "Equal opportunity between men and women is an essential principle of democracy."

Rousseff of the Worker's Party defeated Jose Serra of the Social Democratic Party by a wide margin. Although she has never held elective office before, Rousseff, an economist, was strongly backed by former president, da Silva. She formerly served as da Silva's Chief of Staff and a member of his cabinet as Energy Minister.

In 1967, Rousseff, then a 19 year old economics student, joint a militant group opposing the dictatorship of the country, and for the next three years, she helped lead guerrilla organizations while writing for an underground newspaper.  During the 1970s, Rousseff was captured and jailed by Brazil's military police and was labeled the  "Joan of Arc" of the gorilla movement.  She was tossed into the notorious Tiradentes prison and brutually tortured for her membership in the left-wing guerrilla group. 

I congratulate Ms. Rousseff on her ascendancy to the Brazilian presidency­. She has the task and the responsibi­lity to build on the great legacy of her predecesso­r, and having worked closely with him, I am sure she will continue to lead her country towards even greater prosperity for all Brazilians­.

Domestic Sex Trafficking Bill Passed in the House...Then Shot Down

The Domestic Minor Sex Trafficking Deterrence and Victims Support Act, sponsored by Representative Carolyn Maloney (D-NY), passed the House on Tuesday night. The bill would have established shelters in six regions of the country and provide treatment and services to victims and new resources to law enforcement to prosecute sex traffickers.

Mary Ellison, Director of Public Policy at Polaris Project, clarified, "This passage is a sign that America is starting to realize that children in prostitution are victims of a horrific crime called human trafficking and are in need of services and support."

Unfortunately, an amendment that was attached to the bill  killed it because it differed from the Senate bill and time ran out for the lame duck session.  Politics and politicians.  So far removed from the real world. This was a bill to help save children who had forced into human trafficking.  These are the very people we voted in, and now they turn their backs on children in need.  What is wrong with this picture?  How can they sleep at night?

According to the FBI, more than 100,000 underage girls are exploited for commercial sex in the United States each year. But despite this incredibly high number of  victims, there are only a handful of shelter beds.  Right now, there aren't enough aftercare facilities to serve even 1 per cent of estimated victims. This bill would have not only helped to prevent pimps from victimizing young girls and but would have provided  a safe place for victims to heal.

To our politicians....Shame on you!!!!

Although Christmas is perceived as a time of peace and happiness for families, stress, debt and alcohol levels can create a far from happy holiday season. In fact, even if things are going well, tensions  run high during the holiday season. And when Christmas rolls around, domestic violence seems to escalate, and not only do the victims suffer, but also the children who must bear witness to the abuse, and through the eyes of children, the boundaries between abuser and victim are not always clear.  Often as a means of coping, they take sides or they try to defuse the violence, and when they fail, they blame themselves for not being able to do so.  Some children pretend that it isn't happening.

In many families, there will be no gifts because the abuser will not allow them.  Abusers are self-centered,  and if there is no gain for them,  then they generally classify such expenditure as frivolous. Hence, there is very little joy in Christmas for the children of these dysfunctional relationships.

Examples of financial abuse include: withholding money for Christmas presents and food; where the relationship has ended the abusive partner may withhold child maintenance; and forcing the woman to take debt in her name to meet the family financial needs.  My goodness, that not only happened to me, but 20 years later, when a lien was placed on my bank account and my paycheck garnished....not for a bill I was responsible for, but because I had been bullied to co-sign for a credit card.  It took me over a year of struggling to pay off something that was never mine to begin with.

Domestic Violence victims are not a small minority.  At least 25 percent of all women will experience some sort of domestic violence in their life.  This means that most of us, if we are not a victim ourselves, know someone--sister, friend--cousin--who is a victim.  It affects each and every one of us.  

Here are some suggestions on coping with domestic violence:<

Keep yourself safe. Find a safe place - like a bedroom - where you can hide until the violence is over.

Only step in to help the person who is being hurt if it means you WILL NoT place yourself at risk
 

Talk to someone you trust about what's happening at home. If you want independent help, contact a service like the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1 (800)SAFE
 

Try to get the person who is being hurt to seek help from the hospital, battered women's shelters, etc.

If the situation gets really bad, get out of the house and find help. Go and tell a neighbor or call the emergency services.