Characteristics of Victims

• Feelings of low self- esteem (they say as a result of being criticized.)

• We perpetuate these parental messages by judging ourselves and others harshly. We try to cover up our poor opinions of ourselves by being perfectionistic, controlling, contemptuous and gossipy.

• We tend to isolate ourselves out of fear and we feel often uneasy around other people, especially authority figures.

• We are desperate for love and approval and will do anything to make people like us. Not wanting to hurt others, we remain "loyal" in situations and relationships even when evidence indicates our loyalty is undeserved. (I would say not wanting to lose them, having an extremely hard time "letting go.")

• We are intimidated by angry people and personal criticism. This causes us to feel inadequate and insecure. (I would say it further adds to our feelings of inadequacy and insecurity.)

• We continue to attract emotionally unavailable people with addictive personalities.

• We live life as victims, blaming others for our circumstances, and are attracted to other victims (and people with power) as friends and lovers. We confuse love with pity and tend to "love" people we can pity and rescue. (And we confuse love with need)

• We are either super-responsible or super-irresponsible. We take responsibility for solving others' problems or expect others to be responsible for solving ours. This enables us to avoid being responsible for our own lives and choices.

• We feel guilty when we stand up for ourselves or act in our own best interests. We give in to others' needs and opinions instead of taking care of ourselves.

• We deny, minimize or repress our feelings as a result of our traumatic childhoods. We are unaware of the impact that our inability to identify and express our feelings has had on our adult lives.

• We are dependent personalities who are so terrified of rejection or abandonment that we tend to stay in situations or relationships that are harmful to us. Our fears and dependency stop us form ending unfulfilling relationships and prevent us from entering into fulfilling ones. (I would add because we feel so unlovable it is difficult or impossible to believe anyone can really love us, and won't eventually leave us once they see how "bad" we are.)

• Denial, isolation, control, shame, and inappropriate guilt are legacies from our family of origin. As a result of these symptoms, we feel hopeless and helpless.

• We have difficulty with intimacy, security, trust, and commitment in our relationships. Lacking clearly defined personal limits and boundaries, we become enmeshed in our partner's needs and emotions. (ie become codependent)

• We tend to procrastinate and have difficulty following project through from beginning to end.

• We have a strong need to be in control. We overreact to change things over which we have no control.

The Process of Brainwashing

1. The brainwasher keeps his victim unaware of what is going on and what changes may be taking place.  For example, he may control your finances, make plans for you, or not bother to tell you what his plans are until the last minute.  He may talk about you to others behind your back in his attempt isolate you from them. My ex's aunt never had children and always thought of me as the daughter she never had, and we were very close.  My ex couldn't stand it.  He was always saying things about me to his mother (her sister) and to his aunt...always trying to turn them against me.

2. The brainwasher controls the victim's time and physical environment and works to suppress much of the victim's old behavior.  The victim is slowly, or abruptly, isolated from all supportive persons except for the brainwasher.  Your partner might have insisted that you stop certain social, hobby, or work activities.  You might have been forced to a new location, farther away from your family and friends.  Or you may have been asked or ordered to reduce or stop contact with specific supportive people in your life. My ex hated everyone I was friendly with.  Hence, he forbade me to see them.  For awhile, I continued to meet with my friends, but in time, you grow tired of fighting it...and sadly, we just give up.

3. The brainwasher creates  a sense of powerlessness, fear, and dependency in the victim.  He does this with verbal and emotional abuse which becomes stronger and stronger over time. Over and over again I was told that I would never amount to anything, that I was lucky that someone like him took me under his wing.  Now, couple that with a lifetime of such abuse from my mother, and you can understand why I was so easily converted into a victim.  I already WAS a victim.

4. The brainwasher works to instill new behavior and attitudes in the victim. He trains to you behave in ways that he wants you to behave.  He gradually makes you feel differently about yourself, and erodes your confidence in yourself. Your self-esteem falters, and he continues badgering until you lose it altogether.  I had, what I now realize, was a great job when I was with my ex.  I worked as a case manager in a city-run home care agency.  I had great benefits...and was making fabulous money...but he constantly badgered me about my job, that it was NOTHING compared to his job as an actor. Now when I look back on it, I see where he was a 'bouncer' and had a few bit parts in films...not a star. And, HE was the one with the low self-esteem...which is why he had to bring mine down.

5.  The brainwasher puts forth a closed system of logic which allows no real input or criticism.  In other words, what he says, goes. If he says the sky is black, then the sky is black...no matter how blue it may be. If you feel like eating chicken and he wants steak, you're going to eat steak.  He has the final word. 

Women's Equality Day

Even though they make up half the population, women and girls have endured discrimination in most societies for thousands of years. In the past, women were treated as property of their husbands or fathers - they couldn't own land, they couldn't vote or go to school, and they could be beaten and abused. Over the last hundred years, much progress has been made to gain equal rights for women around the world, but many still live without the rights to which all people are entitled. 

Questions to Ask Yourself

An abusive partner will railroad discussions leaving you with no time to think about what's right and what's wrong in their behavior. Take a few moments to consider the following  questions.....

Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?

Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or undermine your self-esteem?

Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself? 

Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups?

Does your partner limit your access to work, money or material resources?

Has your partner ever stolen from you?  Or run up debts for you to handle?

Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?

Have you ever felt obligated to have sex, just to avoid an argument about it?

Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?

Has your partner ever thrown away your belongings, destroyed objects or threatened pets?

Are you afraid of your partner?

The Deepest Scars

Many women assume that if they're not being physically abused by their partner, then they're not being abused.  That's not necessarily true.   You may be in a relationship which is draining something from you -- you might not even have recognized that your partner has systematically eroded your self-esteem and happiness.

Emotional abuse leaves no physical scars; there are no broken bones, bruises or spilled blood. Yet, those who have been wounded  describe it as the most painful and destructive form of domestic violence.  Emotional abuse is any nonphysical behavior or attitude that controls, intimidates, subjugates, demeans, punishes or isolates another person by using degradation, humiliation or fear. Yelling, screaming, and name-calling are all forms of emotional abuse, as are more subtle tactics such as refusing to be pleased with anything that you do for him, isolating you from family and friends and invalidating your thoughts and feelings. Emotional abuse entails a constant berating such as "You're no good," "You're ugly," "You're lucky to have me because no one else will want you."  Those are some of the words I heard over and over again until I lost all of my self-esteem and began believing his every word. 

 

Examples of emotionally abusive behaviors include the following.  As you can see, it is a no win situation.

If you argue with him, he says you're stubborn.
If you're quiet, he argues with you anyway.
If you call him, he says you're needy and clingy.
If he calls you, he thinks you should be grateful.
If you don't act like you love him, he'll try to win you over.
If you tell him you love him, he takes advantage of you.
If  you dress sexy, he says you're a slut.
If you don't dress nice, he says you look bad.
When you don't sleep with him, he says you don't love him.
If you do sleep with him, he only does it the way he likes it.
If you tell him your problems, he says you're bothering him,
If you don't, he says you don't trust him.
If you try to bring up a problem, he says you're bitching.
If he brings up a problem, he yells.
If you break a promise, you "can't be trusted".
If he breaks it, it's because "he had to".
If you cheat, he wants to punish you by locking you up or beating you.
If he cheats, he expects to be given another chance.

"Most women are raised to believe that the woman is the primary caretaker of the family, the member responsible for 'holding things together'.  We are also taught from the days of childhood that 'Love conquers all'.  Many women believe on some level that if only they love a man enough, they can 'save' him and he will change.  Those who stay learn that he will not."--From The Domestic Violence Sourcebook"

Mary Edwards Walker

Mary Edwards was born in Oswego, New York, on November 26, 1832; she  was the youngest of five daughters, followed by one son, born to Alvah and Vesta Walker.  Her father expected all of his children to be well educated and to pursue professional careers.

 

Mary was determined that she was going to become a doctor and graduated from Syracuse Medical College in 1855. Afterwards, she established a practice in Rome, New York and was married to a physician, Albert Miller. Their  relationship did not last very long, and the couple separated in 1859. Mary, always a bit controversial, had insisted on wearing trousers and a man’s coat. Their wedding vows did not include anything about ‘obeying', and she had insisted on keeping her last name.

Mary, always a strong feminist, travelled to Washington when the Civil War broke out and offered her services to the Union army.  For awhile, she worked as a volunteer nurse and was not sent to the front-line until September, 1863 when she was appointed by as assistant surgeon in the Ohio Infantry at Cumberland.  She was the first female surgeon commissioned in the army.

Mary was captured by a band of Confederate soldiers and spent four months at Castle Thunder prison in Richmond, Virginia. 

Then, in August of 1864, she was exchanged, along with 24 other Union doctors, for 17 Confederate doctors. Released to tend the sick and wounded, Mary would later claim that she used this opportunity to spy on the enemy.  In 1865,upon recommendation of Major Generals William T. Sherman and George H. Thomas, on  President Andrew Johnson signed a bill to present Dr. Mary Edwards Walker with the Congressional Medal of Honor for Meritorious Service. The citation recognized her:

“valuable service to the Government,” devoting “herself with much patriotic zeal to the sick and wounded soldiers, both in the field and hospitals, to the detriment of her own health,” and enduring “hardships as a prisoner of war.” The citation also stated that “by reason of her not being a commissioned officer in the military service, a brevet or honorary rank cannot, under existing laws, be conferred upon her” so, therefore, “in the opinion of the President an honorable recognition of her services and sufferings should be made.”

She was the only women in the Civil War to  win the Congressional Medal of Honor. 

After the war, Mary was active in feminist organizations and was arrested several times for masquerading as a man. She worked diligently to get relief bills for the war nurses, but the

Congressional bills died in committee. She also began writing and lecturing throughout the U.S. and abroad on women’s rights, dress reform, health and temperance issues. She argued that the use of tobacco resulted in paralysis and insanity, that women's clothing was both immodest and inconvenient.

Then, in 1917, Congress revised the standards for the Medal of Honor to include only “actual combat with an enemy,” and took away the medals of 911 honorees, including Mary's. But she refused to give it back, and despite it becoming a crime to wear an ‘unearned’ medal, she had worn it,right up until the day she died. 

At the same time, while on a trip to Washington, Mary fell on the Capitol steps. She was 85 years old at the time and never fully recovered. She died two years later, on February 21, 1919, while she staying at a neighbor’s home in Oswego. Mary was not so much remembered for her service to her country as she was for being “that shocking female surgeon in trousers!” She was buried in the Rural Cemetery. That same year, the 19th Amendment was ratified. 

Mary’s great-grand niece Ann Walker fought for many years to have Mary's  medal restored, and finally on June 11, 1977, President Carter reinstated Mary’s it, citing Mary for her  “distinguished gallantry, self-sacrifice, patriotism, dedication and unflinching loyalty to her country, despite the apparent discrimination because of her sex.” Today, the medal can be seen on display in the Pentagon’s Women’s Corridor.

Finally, in 1982, the U.S. Post Office issued a 20-cent stamp honoring Dr. Mary Walker as the first woman to have been awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor and as the second woman to graduate from a medical school in the U.S. In 2000, Mary Edwards Walker was inducted into the Women’s Hall of Fame at Seneca Falls, New York.

Human Trafficking

Human trafficking is the illegal trade of human beings for the purposes of commercial sexual exploitation or forced labor; it is a modern day form of slavery.  And, it is also one of the fastest growing criminal industries in the world. Trafficking in human beings involves the movement of people--mostly women and children--against their will by means of force for the specific purposes of sexual or labor exploitation. Sadly, poor families in our Third World Countries are forced to sell their children just to survive.  Examples include abduction for sexual and domestic service (including boys), abduction for debt release, the exchange of women for settlement of disputes, forced prostitution, and sexual exploitation of children. 

Unlike some human rights abuses which are primarily regional, sex trafficking is global in nature. Victims come from virtually all developing countries and are trafficked into or through virtually all developing and developed countries. It is estimated, for example, that 50,000 people are trafficked into the United States every year, most of whom are sold into prostitution. This exploitation knows no boundaries--nationality, race, or religion.  It is also not depend upon a  economic or social

standing. 

• A Cambodian working man may be able to purchase the use of a young Vietnamese girl for the price of one dollar. 

• On the other hand, another Vietnamese girl of the same age can be auctioned out at for as much as $200...more if she is still a virgin...to a European businessman in Hong Kong on a business trip. 

And afterwards, both of these girls will most likely be forced to service a countless number of American and local military men. 

• In South America, a girl will be trafficked into Canada under an “exotic dancer” visa and upon her arrival, will be forced into prostitution. 

• A desperately poor Romanian child will be used as a sex slave in the lucrative and depraved child pornography business, the reach and growth of which has become unlimited since the advent of the Internet.

And  it is the wealthy countries – through their military, businessmen, tourists, and the internet pornography subscribers--all of whom pay significantly more for the use of a sex slave – that keep this criminal industry extremely profitable for traffickers.

Is there an easy answer to combat this problem?  No.  Sadly, at this point, it is almost impossible to stop.   But here is a good way to start one step at a time.

California Law Means Pimps Could Lose Their Bling 

"This week the California state senate unanimously approved legislation which would allow courts to seize private property used to commit human trafficking. That means pimps and traffickers could lose their cars, homes, and gadgets. If passed, this sort of legislation would go a long way from deterring pimps from trafficking women and girls and provide important funds for trafficking survivors."--From "End Human Trafficking"