Is He a Batterer? Early Signs to Watch Out For

Please note: I use the pronoun he because it is easier on me than writing he/she or the individual over and over again,  but women can be batterers as well as men. 

Is he very jealous? At first you think it is flattering to have someone care so much about you. You tell yourself how much they must love you. But then it becomes annoying. And it only keeps getting worse. He's jealous of your family. Of your friends. And forget about having male friends. He will accuse you of infidelities, and you will never convince him that you are innocent. He will be constantly at you, beating you down emotionally and, at times, physically.

Does he have a violent temper? If you feel fear them when they get angry, get yourself away from right away....and stay away before you become a statistic.

Is he easily frustrated and not handle it very well? This goes hand in hand with the above. He becomes enraged over the smallest things--the driver in front is too slow, the line in the store is too long because the 'stupid' clerk doesn't know what she is doing, he thinks someone is looking at him wrong and confronts the individual. Not good.

Does he talk to you in a way that degrades you, makes fun of you, or belittles your accomplishments? Verbal abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse, and maybe even more so because bruises heal, but painful words can last forever. My ex was verbally abusive. Despite my having a city job while he was a bouncer, he always berated my 'stupid little job'.

Has there been abuse during the courtship period? Don't think you can change him. Break it off right away.

Does he blame others for everything that is wrong in his life? Is he always the victim? One major sigh that a person might be an abuser is them not assuming any responsibility for their behaviors by making themselves out to be the one who is always wronged. Eventually he will start blaming you for everything, and when he does? Abuse will definitely follow.

Have there been any subtle behaviors in the early stage of your relationship? For example, maybe he is a bit too concerned about your safety or questions the decisions you make. Does he know best how you should dress, comb your hair, etc. These type of controlling behaviors only get worse in time.

Does he exhibit times of cruelty and abuse towards children and animals? If they are cruel to them, ask yourself the question. How will they treat me and my children in the future?

What about his childhood? Not everyone, but most people who were raised in an abusive household have a greater chance of exhibiting the same behavior towards their family.

He Sent Me Flowers Today

This is such a powerful poem I repost it often.  

I got flowers today.
It wasn’t my birthday
or any special day.
We had our first argument last night,
and he said a lot of cruel things
that really hurt me.
I know he is sorry
and didn’t mean the things he said
because he sent me flowers today.
 

I got flowers today.
It wasn’t our anniversary
or any other special day.
Last night, he threw me into a wall
and started to choke me.
It seemed like a nightmare.
I couldn’t believe it was real.
I know he must be sorry
because he sent me flowers today.
 

I got flowers today,
and it wasn’t Mother’s Day
or any other special day.
Last night, he beat me up again.
If I leave him, what will I do?
How will I take care of my kids?
What about money?
I’m afraid of him and scared to leave.
But I know he must be sorry
because he sent me flowers today.
 

I got flowers today.
Today was a very special day.
It was the day of my funeral.
Last night, he finally killed me.
If only I had gathered enough courage
and strength to leave him,
I would not have gotten flowers today.

© 1992 by Paulette Kelly

Why Do Women Stay

Those who have never been in an abusive relationship cannot understand just why a woman would stay and allow this to go on and on.  There is no easy answer.  Most abusive relationships don't start out that way. I imagine if it did there'd be far less women in abusive marriages.  All seems fine until one day it progress into violence.  By then, the woman may find herself unable to leave for a variety of reason.  Some of the factors that make her stay are:

Limited financial options--Usually an abuser has complete control over the family finances.  The woman usually has at least one dependent child and no property that they can call their own.  The husband controls everything--bank and credit accounts--and doles her out a minimum allowance each week, enough to buy food, but not enough to put aside.

Believing that the abuser will take the children away.--The abuser threatens the wife with child custody.  He points out that he makes enough money to hire the best of lawyers while she none.

Threats to harm the victim--My ex threatened to kill me if I left.  He said no matter where I went in the city he would find me.  Of course, he never follow through, but it was enough to scare me into staying.

Self-blame--The victim, "I deserve this.  He is a good man who works hard. He deserves to have his dinner on time."  "I'm no good. I'm a bad person".

Believing the abuser will change--My goddaughter was involved with an abusive man who actually stabbed her in the stomach during an argument.  After being released from jail, he returned begging her forgiveness.  She took him back believing he was a changed man.  He ended up sexually molesting her 11 year old daughter and threatening to toss their baby from a moving car.  (He's locked up now).

Believing violence is normal--Many of those who grow up in violent homes believe it is totally normal for one partner to abuse the other. 

Limited housing options--The first time I left my ex I went to Victim's Services and was put up in a hotel paid for my public assistance.  Roaches and mice ran free.  Addicts and alcoholics lined the hallways.  They gave me a daily allowance for food, but it barely covered my children.  I went hungry.   They finally found me an apartment and sent me to welfare for the rent and security.  I sat there all day to be told at closing time to come back tomorrow.  Same thing the next day.  By then the apartment was gone and my children were getting sick.  I had no other choice.  I went back home.

Low self-self esteem--Years of verbal abuse by my mom had totally destroyed whatever self-esteem I had.  And the fact that my ex would often use the same words she used didn't help any.  My ex: "You're ugly.  No one will want you."  My mom to a boyfriend of mine: "What do you want her for?  She's only going to be a fat old drunk like her father."  Both took pride in pointing out how bad and stupid I was. 

Isolation--The abuser keeps the victim isolated from family and friends.  I see this happening now with my granddaughter.  She's become involved with a very controlling man.  We live in different states and not to long ago my son and I made a 4 hour trips to a family reunion at my daughter's house.  My granddaughter never called or showed up.  I later heard that he instead demanded that they visit his parents.  

The victim still loves him--Or they believe they do.   Like me, they never felt love while growing up so they had no idea what love really is.

Locked Inside

She beats upon her bolted door,
With faint weak hands;
Drearily walks the narrow floor;
Sullenly sits, blank walls before;
Despairing stands.

Life calls her, Duty, Pleasure, Gain–
Her dreams respond;
But the blank daylights wax and wane,
Dull peace, sharp agony, slow pain–
No hope beyond.

Till she comes a thought! She lifts her head,
The world grows wide!
A voice–as if clear words were said–
"Your door, O long imprisonéd,
Is locked inside!"

by Charlotte Perkins Gilman

Working With Batterers

To those who abuse: the sin is yours, the crime is yours, and the shame is yours. To those who protect the perpetrators: blaming the victims only masks the evil within, making you as guilty as those who abuse. Stand up for the innocent or go down with the rest.

   Flora Jessop

I'm a retired substance abuse counselor and a graduate of a victim advocacy program.  Some of the stories I heard in my woman's group would blow your mind.  It breaks your heart when you hear what some of these women have gone through.  But then my agency assigned me to run a batterer's group and some of the things I heard there were even worse.  All of my men, and my woman (yes, women batter too), were on parole and fulfilling one of their mandates because they had domestic violence issues in their history.   Being a once victim and now a survivor I was a bit hesitant at first, but it was an experience that I learned so much from.

Most did not want to be there, but fear of going back to prison made them very compliant.  Several of them denied any history and questioned why they were there.  Others, including my lady, were pretty open and forthcoming.  They admitted their mistakes and appeared to have a genuine desire to correct them.  While those in denial refused to participate aside from giving their name and saying they just wanted to listen, those that were eager for change in their lives were outspoken and open about their past.  Most had suffered or seen abuse when they were growing up. (The Cycle of Violence)  and just followed in their parents footsteps. And, then, there were some who showed no remorse from what they have done.  (True story, but fake names)

Arthur was a well-to-do banker.  To his colleagues and friends, he was mild-mannered,  friendly, and kind.  To his wife, he was a tyrant, ruling the roost with an iron fist.  They had been married for about 20 years, and their children just about grown when the wife decided enough was enough so she decided that she wanted a divorce.  She told him one night after they both got home from work.  He flew into a rage and left the house.  

She had gone to bed and was about to start reading her book when she heard the front door slam.  Before she knew what was happening barged into the room and started beating her with a barbell.  The children, hearing the disturbance, were standing in the door watching as he beat her to a bloody pulp.  It took hundreds of stitches to close up her face and several surgeries to make her look human again.  The judge threw the book at him in a case that set precedence in New York State.  Not only did he receive a rather lengthy prison sentence, but his wife was awarded ALL of his money and valuables.  

Arthur ended up in my group when he was released from prison.  He was very out-spoken, but not in a good way.  He was angry with the judge and angry that his wife 'that bitch' got everything.  He kept repeating how unfair it was.  What struck me was there was NO REMORSE whatsover.  He didn't care what he had done to her.  All he cared about was that she had his money.

About 4 months in he announced in group that he had met someone and was planning on getting married.  My co-worker, who was his counselor, wrote a letter to his parole officer that, in his opinion, it was okay??? for him to get married.  His parole officer immediately picked up the phone and called me.  "I can't give my okay on this.  He has never once shown remorse.  That's a sign that he might and probably will do it again. No, I can't with a clear conscience say that he is ready to be married."  The parole officer denied his request, and even went a step further.  He could not stop  Arthur from seeing the woman, but he COULD stop them from living together.  

There is no moral to this story.  I only tell it to point out that we cannot help them all.  Change comes from within.  So, be very careful, please.

Back to School

I have an announcement to make.  I've been retired for five years now and have hobbies and a busy social life for the first time in 50 years, but something has been lacking--the ability to help others that steered me into the direction of my career.  My job was difficult, stressful, and time-consuming....and not always fulfilling.  In the substance abuse field we see a lot of failures, but it's the successes that make it all worthwhile. 

I thought of renewing my license and finding something part time, but at my age, I might as well forget about that.  State budget cuts have caused many programs to close.  Forget volunteering.  Because the state board is strict on the licensing aspect and the Hippa law, programs just don't take on volunteers...unless they were a client returning to offer services.  

So I got to thinking.  I'm a senior citizen now, 71 years old, and sadly, the fact is many elders are abused in their homes or in the facilities responsible for their care.  My heart breaks for them.  Everyone deserves to live in safety, with dignity and respect.  I've not been abused as an elder, but I have had people try to take advantage due to my age.  Our elders need our help.  So,  I have enrolled in a certification course on elder abuse.  Will be keeping you informed of what I learn.

Quote of the Day

"Something which we think is impossible now is not impossible in another decade." 

Constance Baker Motley (First Black Woman in the U.S. to become a Federal Judge)