The Deepest Scars

Many women assume that if they're not being physically abused by their partner, then they're not being abused.  That's not necessarily true.   You may be in a relationship which is draining something from you -- you might not even have recognized that your partner has systematically eroded your self-esteem and happiness.

Emotional abuse leaves no physical scars; there are no broken bones, bruises or spilled blood. Yet, those who have been wounded  describe it as the most painful and destructive form of domestic violence.  Emotional abuse is any nonphysical behavior or attitude that controls, intimidates, subjugates, demeans, punishes or isolates another person by using degradation, humiliation or fear. Yelling, screaming, and name-calling are all forms of emotional abuse, as are more subtle tactics such as refusing to be pleased with anything that you do for him, isolating you from family and friends and invalidating your thoughts and feelings. Emotional abuse entails a constant berating such as "You're no good," "You're ugly," "You're lucky to have me because no one else will want you."  Those are some of the words I heard over and over again until I lost all of my self-esteem and began believing his every word. 

 

Examples of emotionally abusive behaviors include the following.  As you can see, it is a no win situation.

If you argue with him, he says you're stubborn.
If you're quiet, he argues with you anyway.
If you call him, he says you're needy and clingy.
If he calls you, he thinks you should be grateful.
If you don't act like you love him, he'll try to win you over.
If you tell him you love him, he takes advantage of you.
If  you dress sexy, he says you're a slut.
If you don't dress nice, he says you look bad.
When you don't sleep with him, he says you don't love him.
If you do sleep with him, he only does it the way he likes it.
If you tell him your problems, he says you're bothering him,
If you don't, he says you don't trust him.
If you try to bring up a problem, he says you're bitching.
If he brings up a problem, he yells.
If you break a promise, you "can't be trusted".
If he breaks it, it's because "he had to".
If you cheat, he wants to punish you by locking you up or beating you.
If he cheats, he expects to be given another chance.

"Most women are raised to believe that the woman is the primary caretaker of the family, the member responsible for 'holding things together'.  We are also taught from the days of childhood that 'Love conquers all'.  Many women believe on some level that if only they love a man enough, they can 'save' him and he will change.  Those who stay learn that he will not."--From The Domestic Violence Sourcebook"