Gosh, I haven't been here in a few years, but I had to come back. Now is the time. Don't know why my pictures all disappeared, but that's okay. It's not the picture, but the message that counts. I think, no I know, what drew me back her is the "Me Too" movement. I am so proud of these women for speaking out. Women have suffered in silence for far too long.
I'm a survivor of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. I was gang-raped at 18, endured incestuous overtures from my dad, and was molested by the husband of my mom's friend when I was a little girl. I am 71 years old now, and to this day, I never gave the names of those who raped me. The police officers, my mom, even the doctors and nurses at the hospital implored me to tell them who had done this to me, but I knew better. Back in those days, it always boiled down to being the woman's fault. "You should have dressed differently" or "You shouldn't have gotten into the car with them" despite the fact that I knew them and trusted them to bring me home. "A woman doesn't belong in a bar" was another biggie. That's just the way it was in those days.
To this day, I have only opened up about being molested as a little girl to you here on my blog. I was ashamed. And as far as my dad goes, I'd been gone from home about 10 years before I called my mom and confided in her. Her response was? "That never happened. And don't you ever call here again." I tried re-connecting several years later, and the first thing she said was, "I spoke to your dad, and he said it never happened" You lied." And she promptly hung up on me. That was the last I spoke with my mom. I had tried, and there was nothing I could do. My dad carried his dirty little secret to the grave, and my mom never forgave me. She died two years ago this July, and my heart breaks that we had no closure. I don't know if she ever came around to believing me, or if she still held to her conviction that I was a 'rebellious' child.
I will never know the answer, and I cannot dwell on it as much as it hurts. I am a survivor.
Much love, cat.
ReplyDeleteThe "Me too" movement really opened up old wounds for me. I never told anyone at the time I was raped at 16 by my then boyfriend. When I eventually shared with a relative years later, I felt I wasn't believed. It took me almost 2 years to get out of that relationship.
ReplyDeleteI think the women coming forward are brave for doing so even if it is years later. I get so angry when I hear other women say that they should just keep quiet and go about their lives. That bringing it to light now serves no purpose. And all I can think what if that was you or your daughter or your granddaughter or your friend or your niece? Would you still want her to stay silent? I just don't understand :(